Good intentions...Can of worms

Your best intentions can be the culprit behind your social aggravation. Those well-intended niceties spoken to the people in your daily sphere were supposed to have communicated a sense of "you matter." Instead, ambiguous discussions were recycled into fuel for the optimist to create an alternate perception that puts them in a better light.  Later, when time and misinterpreted intentions are full grown, and the hoped for fruit is nowhere to be found, the person that you felt you communicated your decision compassionately with, suddenly becomes your integrity's nemesis.  What you believed was a soft letting down, or a simple surface interaction, was actually a moment of truth for the other person.

Letting others feel that they matter is a motivating activity that we certainly need more of if we are to create a productive environment.  However, like any veteran change agent knows, activity can always have a shadow side.  In this case, the shadow side of a well intended surface interaction is how the other person weighs the content of your discussion.  Since we are emotional first, the information you intended may in actuality have been processed through a favorable lens that filtered the facts to support a hope for their own desired outcome.  When timelines and anticipation collide, the disappointment felt by your counterpart is exponentially more in comparison to what it would have been if affection was balanced with attention during the initial conversation.  The fallout can be as simple as a trust debit, or as grand as your character/brand defamation. Before you know it, the person's disappointment is being delivered to anyone who will give them an ear. All the while, you can't believe how your good intentions turned into such a can of worms. Making one feel that they matter is much more than nice talk.  It must be done with a sincerity of interaction. Here are five tips I'm learning to help ensure that my next honest attempt at making others matter is a successful one.

Sincere listening requires an honest ear - When someone wants your attention, it doesn't mean you have to give them their way to communicate your appreciation. While it is much more convenient to skirt the hard facts and frame your position so that it lets others leave your office with a positive feeling, eventually this will only hurt you and the organization all the more.  Sharing the facts notwithstanding the emotion, respects the person.  Even more, it is interpreted as an honest ear.


Know your setting - Casual answers should be reserved for casual settings.  If you are in a work environment, understand that you are interacting in the midst of the greatest emotional triggers for others. Their livelihood.  Weigh your words so that when the day ends, false hope doesn't go home with those you spoke with throughout the day.

Know your audience - The weight of your words changes depending on who you are speaking with. If you are speaking with your child, your words are like the oracles of God. If speaking amongst your buddies, they can be as light as a feather. Slow down, and take account of the parties involved. Making others matter takes recognition.

Recapitulate -  Ordering food is an emotional event for us. Drive-thru service restaurants understand that an order gone wrong can set off an emotional thunder that will echo to many other potential customers.  This is why they spend so much time training the cashier to repeat the order.  In the same manner, take the time to summarize what you are agreeing to or stating.  This will help reduce the confusion that may occur due to the emotional filter that the other party has on.

Write down your responsibilities - Did you agree to a follow-up on anything? Even if what you said was a casual "yeah maybe," in the other person's mind it's something that will occur. Following-up with that person may be a marginal cost to you, but it provides finality for the other person.  Write down or record the slightest of follow-up responsibilities that you may have insinuated.

Each interaction is a purposeful moment.  BRAND YOU is counting on your ability to manage it correctly. In the end, good intentions managed well, will serve to enhance the respect others have for you as a stand-up guy or gal who make others genuinely matter.

Win Today!


Victor